Sick and Tired Of What?

Last week, a virus I had took me on quite a journey. Extreme drops in energy levels, fever, and sleeplessness combined with major body aches were my daily companions for 7 days and nights. I was up, and I was down. Throughout it, I was committed to knowing what, if any, underlying thought or belief system was ready to be revealed, and maybe let go of, or adjusted in some kind way. In other words, what was I sick and tired of?

“We go into the darkness, we seek initiation, in order to know directly how the roots of all beings are tied together: how we are related to all things, how this relationship expresses itself in terms of interdependence, and finally how all phenomena abide within one another.” – Joan Halifax

Twenty years ago I sat for a week, naked and silent, on a wooden platform, under a canopy of mosquito netting in a small, three-sided hut in the middle of the Amazon Jungle of Peru. I was on a vision quest. It was part of a two-week group journey into the heart of the Dark Feminine led by my mentor, Lorna Roberts, and the master jungle shaman and ayahuasquero, Agustin Rivas. Day after day I sat among the sounds and heat of the jungle, and the relentless, pounding chatter of my mind. A very restricted diet, and three experiences with the power plant ayahusca during that time left me feeling quite empty, weak, and humbled. I had gone into the jungle hungry for knowledge about the earth and the cosmos, my new business, relationships, etc., and found myself going deep within myself for the answers over and over and over again. My past lovingly showed up each day to remind me that I was afraid to know and love myself. How could I fully embrace and love all beings if I was out-of-touch with myself? I had pushed emotions down so far into my body that it had caused a physical disruption in healthy energy flow. How could I teach others about their bodies and emotions if I did not understand my own? My habit of giving away my time and energy to others had taken away from my own self-nurturing and the goals I’d set for myself, and often caused me to disregard my intuition. How could I offer others a chance to know themselves if I was constantly having to restore my energy after an over-abundance of giving?

Yesterday I woke with sharp images of my time in the jungle floating through my mind. Why were those memories so alive yesterday? Because they were reminding me that patterns I noticed 20 years ago were appearing once again, and it was time to make a change. I had been become sick and tired of being hyper-focused on what other people were doing in my business, and of holding onto thoughts and feelings that I deemed inappropriate to reveal.

What will I do with this knowledge now? As my dear friend, Rosa, used to say, “You have a lot of awareness, but if you lie around in bed with it all day, what good is it?”

Integration. Responsibilty. Action.

ESSENTIAL OILS to support the process: Sandalwood, Lime, Eucalyptus

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